When people think about childhood trauma, the mind typically gravitates toward vivid, tangible forms of harm—physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, or sexual abuse. There’s an implicit belief that in order for an individual to claim their childhood was traumatic, there must be clear, irrefutable evidence. As a result, many people search their memories for these overt markers of trauma. Yet, when they don’t find any, they may struggle to understand the roots of their current distress, often concluding, erroneously, that they were simply “born this way” or that their difficulties are disconnected from their upbringing.
This becomes particularly salient when we consider forms of childhood emotional abuse, which can be far more difficult to identify and name. Unlike physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse often lacks a clear-cut narrative or set of events that can be categorized easily. It operates in subtler ways, often intertwined with parental behavior that on the surface may seem loving or supportive. Because of this complexity, both clients and mental health practitioners may overlook or minimize the impact of these experiences. In cases where emotional abuse is the primary form of maltreatment, individuals may struggle even more to acknowledge their past as traumatic, especially when there is an absence of more obvious adverse experiences.
In a memoir by Janet McCurdy “I am glad my mother died”, we see a striking example of this dynamic. On the surface, her childhood appears to be filled with love, stability, and nurturing from her mother. Yet, as an adult, McCurdy grapples with an eating disorder and mental health issues. It wasn’t until a therapist began asking probing questions about her mother’s role in her life that McCurdy started to piece together the ways in which her mother’s behavior may have contributed to her struggles. However, this realization was difficult to accept, and Janet abandoned treatment immediately after. It took her a few more years of mental health struggles and attempts at therapy to start recognising that her childhood holds grim reality and dark secrets that were not immediately visible if you did not care to look closely.
This type of scenario is not uncommon in clinical practice. I have encountered numerous stories of childhood emotional abuse in my work with clients, and while each narrative is unique, there are consistent patterns. To help both clients and practitioners recognize these invisible traumas, I have identified several categories of emotional abuse. These categories provide a framework for understanding how emotional harm can manifest, particularly in situations where the overall context of childhood may seem otherwise stable or positive. It is important to note that these categories often overlap, and it is common for more than one form of emotional abuse to coexist.
At the core of emotional abuse is a fundamental distortion in the caregiving relationship: the caregiver, consciously or unconsciously, prioritizes their own emotional needs over the needs of the child. This can be particularly difficult for a child to discern, as the parent may still present as loving, caring, and supportive. However, this distortion leaves lasting psychological impacts, which can manifest in a variety of ways. Here are some of types of invisible trauma caused by emotional abuse reach illustrated by a clinical example. All names and stories were de-identified to protect clients confidentiality.
Parentification
In cases of parentification, the child is placed in a caregiving role that should belong to the adult. Take Andrew, for example, who described his childhood as stable and loving. He initially came to therapy to manage depressive symptoms that were exacerbated by work stress and the upcoming demands of his wedding. As we explored his experiences, it became clear that much of the wedding planning was centered on appeasing his mother, who had significant emotional needs of her own. Andrew’s fear of upsetting her was a persistent source of stress.
The danger of parentification lies in the premature emotional burden placed on the child. These individuals often grow up feeling responsible for the well-being of others, which can hinder their ability to care for themselves. As adults, they may struggle with boundaries and experience chronic guilt when they prioritize their own needs.
Enmeshment
Enmeshment occurs when the parent/child boundaries are blurred, leading the child to feel overly responsible for the parent’s emotional state. Amy, who had moved to Australia from the UK, felt tremendous guilt about leaving her mother behind. While she described her relationship with her mother as close, she began to realize, from a distance, that their relationship was more complicated than she initially understood. Her mother frequently relied on Amy as her primary source of emotional support, often confiding in her about adult problems that were inappropriate for a child to manage.
Individuals who grow up in enmeshed relationships may struggle with a sense of self. They often find it difficult to differentiate their own emotions and needs from those of others, leading to challenges in forming healthy, independent relationships. Anxiety is a common consequence, as these individuals feel constant pressure to manage the emotional states of those around them.
Boundary Violations
Stella’s father frequently overstepped boundaries in her adult life, calling her regularly and showing up unannounced at her home. While he presented his behavior as an expression of care, Stella felt overwhelmed and suffocated. She struggled to set clear boundaries, not only with him but with others in her life as well. As we explored this dynamic in therapy, Stella began to recognize that her discomfort stemmed from a lifelong experience of having her personal boundaries disregarded.
When children grow up in environments where boundaries are not respected, they often fail to develop the skills necessary to establish and maintain boundaries in adulthood. This can lead to difficulties in relationships, as they may oscillate between people-pleasing behaviors and avoidance, unsure of how to assert their needs without fear of rejection or conflict.
Manipulation
Ian’s parents divorced when he was nine, and his mother, who struggled to cope, frequently manipulated him into taking sides. Ian was often caught in the middle of their conflict, feeling responsible for his mother’s emotional well-being while also trying to maintain a relationship with his father. In therapy, Ian began to recognize how this pattern of manipulation had impacted his adult relationships, particularly his difficulty trusting others and allowing himself to be vulnerable.
Children who grow up in environments where manipulation is common often have a distorted sense of reality. They may struggle with trust and develop defense mechanisms that make it difficult for them to engage in healthy, intimate relationships. In extreme cases, this can lead to paranoia or chronic self-doubt, as they are never sure whether they can trust their perceptions of events.
Parental Personality Disorders
Finally, we must consider the impact of parental personality disorders, such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder, on a child’s development. Lynda’s mother was highly involved in her life, calling daily to check in and offer support. At first glance, this seemed like a healthy relationship. However, as Lynda recounted her experiences in therapy, it became clear that her mother’s involvement was conditional on Lynda’s success. When Lynda failed to meet her mother’s expectations, she was met with disappointment or even anger. Lynda grew to fear sharing any news that might upset her mother, which led to a deep-seated sense of inadequacy and depression.
Children of parents with personality disorders often become invisible in the family dynamic, their needs subsumed by the parent’s emotional demands. This can result in a pervasive sense of unworthiness and difficulty asserting one’s own identity.
While all the examples above only address dynamics between caregiver and a child, I acknowledge other forms of maltreatment that may exist when siblings and extended family added to the mix. Other types of invisible trauma would include but not limited to sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, gaslighting, the scapegoat or the “Golden child” and other dynamics that can shape a child’s psychological development in complex ways.
Addressing the Invisible
Emotional abuse in childhood is often invisible, both to the client and to the mental health practitioner. This invisibility leads to misunderstandings and misdiagnoses, as the roots of a client’s distress may be overlooked in favor of more surface-level symptoms. By raising awareness of emotional abuse and its lasting impact, we can help clients stop minimizing their experiences and begin to understand how their childhood environments have shaped their current struggles.
As therapists, it is our role to listen carefully, to notice what might be missing from the client’s narrative, and to create a space where clients feel safe exploring these difficult topics. Emotional abuse is real, and it leaves scars that run deep. By recognizing it’s impacts, we can offer trauma-informed care that addresses the hidden wounds of childhood, allowing our clients to move toward healing and greater self-understanding.
For an in-depth training, follow this link to my new online course on the Invisible Trauma:
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